Agoraphobia

A Little Of My Experience

It really became "The fear of the fear". Fear of having a panic attack. And for me, it happened first in town, and then again when I next ventured to town, I remembered what happened too well. I was frightened in case it happened again, and remembering the sensations and then getting myself all worked up with this memory.

It did happen again! So it felt easier and safer to avoid the town. The next time it would happen again in a different place. For me the panic attack struck nearer and nearer to my home, even in the local shops! Going out became an agonizing terror within me.

My world had literally shrunk until it became my house only.

The feeling of safety stays there perhaps for a while, but the peaceful feelings don't last long at all!

Literally as soon as I got outside of my front door, I was facing "The world!"

thoughts turned to what I had to face, thinking of "I had to walk out and not be near my home"!

The further I got from my home, the more my fears increased.

The thoughts became a physical host of sensations which were horrifying feelings throughout my body. I would start to feel hot and breathless, this triggered me to know a panic attack was imminent, then it struck, that dreaded attack was now on.

The whole world would become an echo and I was numb throughout, feeling unreal. My legs would feel like jelly, not strong enough to hold me up, my heart would be beating so fast It thudded throughout my body and the shock of it all shook me to the core.

All I could think of at that time was running, getting home!! Back to safety. Being in my house was the only thing I could focus on. Safety! I made my home my safe sanctuary, but my home became my prison and fear was my jailer!!!!

The key was there, ready whenever I wanted to I could get out.

It was too frightening so I thought. I Praise God that He is in my life for He helped me to unlock my prison, with little steps. I had to know, trust and have faith that Jesus was with me throughout each day. I learned as much as I could about Agoraphobia and panic attacks, what was physically and emotionally happening.
Step by step I got further and felt more comfortable, it takes patience and time.

I learned one thing which I find very valuable. No one has ever died from a panic attack!! It feels like you are at the time, but its only a feeling. And then those feelings could be controlled with coping techniques. This takes time and patience with yourself to do, and you find what suits yourself best.
I have researched over and over about PD and Agoraphobia, but I think Head knowledge has little effect at times when a bad attack strikes sometimes, panic is a lie and I too often believe that lie. I thank God that He is constantly with me and helping me through each day!

Though coping techniques are great, they need to be practiced and mastered, I am relearning these, things like breathing properly from the diaphragm, relaxation, exercise, positive thoughts instead of the negative what if's, keeping myself busy and distracting myself when I'm anxious so that I'm not pondering too much on the dreads of a panic attack happening.

To stand still and not run is most important as running just makes the panics continue and can feel worse.

" BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD;. Psalm 46:10

Jesus reminds me constantly that He is there for me. He helps me through each day. Also when having panic attacks inside my home. I can turn to Him always.

Many times I have pondered over me being so pathetic in myself and useless. I'd spend hours sitting, crying, despairing of myself and what use I was to my family. This doesn't do me any good and God helps me to act, not to sit and give in.

I have had such great times when I've had victories in getting out to places I didn't think I ever would. I got to my children's school for plays etc. I felt so proud to be there for them and 'normal'.
I even went shopping! In a normal supermarket. I have felt bad that I didn't keep that up. I was scared of the world, it was all 'new' to be out, I enjoyed the fact that I was doing something that I dreamed about, but it was just like a dream, like a thriller it has you on the edge but not real enough to take in.
I often go back to those few things I did, however I think for me I did leaps instead of 'baby steps', small steps and getting used to each little progress. I'm not giving in though and am staying with those baby steps.

I do get out to my local shops which is great, I see people, get used to traffic noise again, and feel some independence at buying things for myself. For me this is helping, getting used to the 'outside'.

Saying 'hello' to people and having a chat whilst I'm out really lifts my day. Although my house can be quite busy at times with family and friends, it's nice to meet others.

Agoraphobia is hard to explain there are so many issues among it that I, and many others face. I don't want pity in saying that, I do rather well in my eyes and I am blessed with all that I can do and have. I have God in my life and that is a definite Joy in my everydays.

I have such a wonderful family, yet I do feel lonely at times, so 'out of touch with everyone and some things' because this condition sets me apart, yet I don't feel that I am any different except for my fears, but in reality I don't do normal day to day things like go to the dentist, or go into town to do my Christmas shopping etc.
Most of my family are wonderful in understanding, I hate to hurt peoples feelings and some people are hurt when I turn down invitations to functions e.g. weddings, parties etc. It has lost me relationships within some family members and friends, nothing awful but I don't see them anymore and I think they think I didn't want to go. I don't hide the fact that I have Agoraphobia but I don't broadcast it either. I have hoped they would ask me about it, but then I am a bit defensive in case they are critical of me.
I certainly don't mind explaining about it, and respect anyone who asks and takes me as I am.

I don't sit around each day but I keep myself busy, exercise is so important, it helps tremendously, for me I like to do aerobics by video tapes. I also like to do crafts, though I like a variation, I also like DIY and Home Decorating, gardening and cooking though I have heard the saying 'Jack of all trades, master of none', that is me (smile), but I have a go.

I would love to be able to go back to Church again, I really would.
I am very imperfect and I need Jesus in my life, but I don't think that because of sin Jesus is allowing me to go through this. I am a sinner (we all are), but set free from my wrongs because Jesus Christ paid the ultimate sacrifice for me by dying on the cross. I am forgiven! Praise the Lord! I do believe that with Jesus help I will get through this and have no fears about going out, Agoraphobia etc.

There are a lot of good things I have learned since becoming Agoraphobic. I am more compassionate towards others and their feelings.
I used to lead such a busy life and didn't make enough time for Jesus, study etc. I feel that I am in a learning process, to live each day with God by my side, learning to lean on Him instead of doing everything my own way.
I have time for people and can be there for them.

Being on the internet has helped me a lot, I have met people along the years who are lovely, sincere people, I wouldn't ordinarily meet. I did a search when I first came onto the internet and found there were other Christians with Agoraphobia. That was tremendous! Not because they had the fear too, but because I wasn't the only one! I now have an extended family who encourage me and listen.

There are many resources to meet other Christians who experience PD and Agoraphobia, through visiting web pages, chat rooms, email groups and pen pals.
I can share and fellowship with others through the internet and have true friendships. My friends are a big part of my life, I know they were God given and are treasured.

I have recently found a lot more web sites from the UK too and its lovely to meet people who live relatively near to be able to share our ups and downs with. And to my NPS friends a big hello, you are a great bunch of people!!

By sharing these thoughts and bits about me I am hoping to just 'tell it how it is for me', and just to say accept me as I am and I accept you too as you are, I hope I didn't go on too much I tend to write a novel at times:)

Matthew 7:7-8 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks; the door will be opened.

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1997 updated November 2001